Hayden Panettiere Opens Up About Her Memoir, Trauma, and Reclaiming Her Story
In a raw and deeply vulnerable conversation on the OnPurpose podcast, actress Hayden Panettiere sat down to discuss her powerful new memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning. For the first time, the star known for Heroes and Nashville is telling her story in her own words—unpacking decades of childhood stardom, family dysfunction, abusive relationships, postpartum depression, and the relentless scrutiny of living in the public eye.
Here are the major moments from the interview.
On Losing Her Childhood to Fame
Panettiere began acting at just 8 months old and quickly became one of the most recognizable young actresses of her generation. But behind the scenes, she was navigating a childhood that felt anything but normal.
I lost the chance to have a normal childhood, friends, relationships, and my privacy because instead of fighting it, I leaned into the talent I was somehow blessed with.
She describes missing out on school events, playdates, and the social milestones that define a typical upbringing. Instead, she was shuttling between auditions and sets, dealing with adult emotions like rejection and excessive praise far too young.
I was dealing with this massive world which is the industry and dealing with big emotions like what you feel after rejection or not getting a role or a ridiculous amount of praise—an unhealthy amount of praise that you get at too young of an age.
On Being Bullied by Teachers and Classmates
One of the most painful memories Panettiere shared was being bullied—not just by peers, but by a kindergarten teacher on her very first day of school.
The opinions of the teachers and the way that the adults saw me was rubbing off on the kids.
She recalls a substitute teacher calling her “the big cheese” in front of the class, and classmates passing her nasty notes that she kept hidden under her bed for years.
I kept the notes that were passed to me in school, the nasty notes, and I kept them in my binder and I kept them under my bed. And I think it was because I wanted to desperately to understand what they were seeing in me.
This early rejection planted the seeds of a lifelong pattern: changing herself to make others happy.
It started the habit of changing who I was to make others happy, to make them like me.
On Her Mother’s Role in Her Career—and the Breaking Point
Panettiere’s mother managed her career from the beginning, a dynamic that blurred the lines between parent and boss.
That was my entire relationship with her. She was my boss. That’s how I saw her.
At 19, while filming Heroes, Panettiere finally asked her mother to step back from the business side of her career so they could have a real mother-daughter relationship.
I said to her, ‘I don’t want us to work together anymore. I just want you to be my mom.’
Her mother’s response was devastating.
And I remember being hopeful, but there was that part of me who knew her too well. But I also wasn’t expecting the reaction that I got, which was, ‘You owe me.’ And that’s all she said. And she walked out.
To this day, Panettiere says there is no relationship between them.
No, there is not a relationship between her and I, sadly.
On Being Trafficked into a Sexual Situation at 18
In one of the most harrowing moments of the interview, Panettiere recounted being taken by someone she trusted onto a boat where she was led into a room with a famous, undressed man and told to perform sexual acts.
I had been having a great time. There was no hints of anything like that happening. So it took me by surprise.
She describes the moment she realized she was in danger—and that there was no one on the boat who would help her.
I realized that there was nobody who was going to be empathetic to my situation—that this was nothing new to them.
The betrayal cut deep, especially because it came from someone she had trusted as a protector.
When you really find somebody that you trust, like you hold on to them for dear life and you feel so lucky. So to be betrayed like that is just an awful feeling.
On Paparazzi, Fear, and Living for Applause
Panettiere also opened up about the terror of being hounded by paparazzi from the age of 16, describing the first time she saw photographers waiting outside her apartment.
I heard this clicking and I looked up and it was—I remember it feeling like I was looking down the barrel of a gun.
She recalls driving at dangerous speeds to outrun them, hiding under yoga mats in friends’ cars, and learning to keep her expression “boring” to avoid giving them a reaction.
The success meant that my mom was going to be happy with me. So that was hugely important. It also meant that I fit in—that I was finally somebody accepted me.
But the applause came at a cost.
I worked so hard to create this incredible life and career and I burnt it all to the ground.
On Postpartum Depression, Addiction, and Being Fired by Neutrogena
While starring on Nashville, Panettiere gave birth to her daughter and began experiencing debilitating postpartum depression and anxiety—something the show’s writers began mirroring in her character’s storyline.
I was suffering from debilitating anxiety and an addiction I couldn’t shake and I had to live through it twice. First at home as Hayden and then in front of millions as Juliet.
She turned to alcohol to cope, but when she spoke openly about postpartum depression during a live appearance on Live with Kelly and Michael, her decade-long endorsement deal with Neutrogena was terminated.
Of all the things that I had been caught doing, that being the thing that was where they drew the line and it was immoral was shocking to me.
The experience left her feeling judged and misunderstood at one of the most vulnerable moments of her life.
We’re already in pain. The last thing we need is the icing on the cake, you know, and feeling so judged and in such a negative way.
On Her Daughter Moving to Europe—and the Grief of Motherhood
When her daughter was around 2 years old, Panettiere’s then-partner, boxer Wladimir Klitschko, decided it would be best for their daughter to live primarily in Europe. The decision was devastating.
The idea that anybody would think that I would just give away my child and be okay with it is heartbreaking—couldn’t be further from the truth.
Though she initially fought against it, Panettiere eventually recognized that her daughter had built a full, happy life abroad.
I grieve not being the mother you thought you’d be.
Today, she says the grief has transformed into gratitude for the strong bond they share, even across continents.
I’m so lucky that it turned out the way it did and that she is safe and a wonderful well-rounded person.
On Surviving an Abusive Relationship
In a journal entry she read aloud for the first time on the podcast, Panettiere described the cycle of abuse she endured in a past relationship.
I realized that I was more afraid of being alone than being abused.
She explains how the abuse would come without warning, often triggered by alcohol.
We could be dancing and joking. Then a switch would flip and suddenly it was on. Something would snap and it was like watching a predator suddenly smell blood.
The emotional scars ran deeper than the physical ones.
The bruises might fade, but you’re left with these incredibly deep emotional scars from gaslighting and being made to feel like it was your fault.
It took years—and the involvement of law enforcement—to finally break free.
I called in the heavy hitters and the people that were going to protect me and make sure that he had no way back.
The turning point came when she realized the “good” she saw in him wasn’t real.
Once I knew that that good was not real, that good side of him, the big heart that I saw was just made up and was just acting—then I had the ability to let go.
On the Death of Her Brother
Three years ago, Panettiere lost her younger brother, whom she calls “the heartbreak of my life.”
There’s nothing in my life that feels like losing my other half—the other half that was born to be my yin to my yang.
She describes the anger and confusion of losing someone so good, so full of life.
It makes you so angry to see so many people thriving in this world and then one so good that’s just taken from you. Why? It’s not fair. It doesn’t make sense.
Though she’ll never fully get over it, she finds comfort in his art and the sense that he’s still protecting her.
I know that he’s protecting me from where he is and was needed elsewhere, but I wish I would send him back to me.
On Being Stalked—and the Fear That Never Ends
On top of everything else, Panettiere has been dealing with a stalker who made violent threats and was recently released from jail.
This man was not just a stalker who was a big fan. He was genuinely mentally unwell and leaving message after message about how he was going to bring his katana sword and decapitate.
The FBI and Secret Service had to intervene, but the fear lingers.
To deal with somebody that’s that unhinged is terrifying. It goes back to that you can’t reason with the unreasonable.
On What Comes Next
Despite everything she’s endured, Panettiere walked into the interview with warmth, light, and a sense of possibility. She says she’s finally ready to close the door on the darkness and step into a new chapter.
I finally feel like I have shaken off all of this darkness and this negativity. And that means I’ve closed one door and another door is opened—and I can feel all the possibility, all the exciting possibilities.
Her hope is that her story will help others who are still trapped in similar cycles.
I want what I have gone through to be for a reason—to help people go through whatever challenges they’re facing and to know that it’s possible. It can be done.
This recap is based on Hayden Panettiere’s appearance on Jay Shetty’s On Purpose podcast. For the full episode, click on the YouTube link at the top or listen wherever you get your podcasts.
